Thursday, July 03, 2003

Maybe it's the heat?

Boy, I'm slackin. I have not been motivated to do anything the past few days. Actually, I am taking a more pro-active role at my place of employment but outside of that I, er, just don't care. I'm felling very apathetic about most things. It's interesting, but some folks think I need fixing. There seems to be a sentiment that there's something wrong with me. I suppose I can't know for sure but I don't think there is.

Why is happiness so important? Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be miserable. But I don't know that I want to be happy either. I think I just want to be. I'll take the good with the bad and try to keep it all in context.

I think that perhaps I've just exhausted my limited social energy. I'm feeling like I want to be alone more than I have in the past. I'm not content but I'm not really interested in making any changes at the moment. Yes, I want to be left alone. That may sound harsh but it's where I'm at. I need space. I'm feeling a shift in myself. Perhaps it's only temporary but what has been open is now closed. I will be by myself because that's what I have to do.

I think I used to be afraid of being alone. Perhaps it was a fear of what that might imply about me. If I'm alone then I'm not desired which is a negative about me. I think otherwise now. I'm not afraid of this. I wish I'd faced certain fears that I've turned away from in the past. Perhaps it's the easy way out, but it's what I choose for now. Perhaps I'm just looking for some sort of mental safety or comfort, I'm not sure. I suppose every choice has positives and negatives, every choice is right and wrong.

No comments:

Post a Comment